My Birthday and Me

I caught your stare, Ranger.
I caught it.
Happy Birthday!

The past year of my life has been a bit of hell mixed with a pinch of depression.
Firstly, my parents were tired of renting... We bought a house. Yay moving!... Again.
In the process of moving our oldest dog of the two we had was killed by the younger, which I nearly killed upon finding her. She was thirteen and had been with me for the majority of my life.
After that it was very... empty in our new home, so I went and literally stole a cat.
Not really stole, necessarily, but I took one from someone's yard. They take in strays and feed them but don't give them medical attention, little Toby, my cat, was the smallest and he had a URI. I couldn't leave him there.

THEN our oldest cat died on Christmas day... my dad and I had to bury her before my younger siblings did the whole Santa thing.

Oh, and my girlfriend and I have been on and off and I've been slightly suicidal for the last year, so I'm officially medicated. Yay.

That's my year in a nutshell.

Thanks brother.
I'm sorry about your pets :/ I'm not the biggest pet-lover you'll find but my girlfriend was and she rubbed off on me quite a bit, so I feel your pain like it were mine.

For yourself... I won't bother with the 'aww, that sucks' line because you don't need it and is too generic of a response. What I will say, though, is that the silver lining expression is very true. It only depends on your perspective - should you be willing to alter that, you may well rediscover a great many things that can turn your life around if that is needed. Just keep persevering. There is no shame in blind courage like there is in a hollow spirit. When Emma and I broke up I went through quite a rough time, but I found delight in other things that have been my remedies, of sorts. If you need anything, I'm here, cos bromance. <3

Thanks Ranger. The medication helps, surprisingly, even though the side effect list includes but is not limited to, "increase in suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts and fatigue."

So far they've just made me sleep and not feel emotions. It's... interesting.

As for the pets, thanks on that, too. I've always been a pet person and especially a dog person. After that dog... I was changed completely. I don't care for them anymore, and I've come to realize that cats are great for entertainment and mine doesn't destroy everything in sight, so... bonus!

Bromance <3

It's a great thing that you're even on medication to start with - it means you have, in one way or another, confided what you're going through to other people who can help, which is an incredibly difficult first step. I know a guy who is going through severe depression who can't and won't bring himself to see and talk to someone, let alone get prescribed medication. I'm really quite close to the guy and it's just awful seeing him deteriorate like he is. So for the medication alone, Castle, you have my genuine respect if you didn't already have it before (you did doe <3).

Emma went through a similar experience with her pets, only her dog had to be put down. Her and Tusky were close, and she was hit quite badly, so I'm quite familiar - if not in the direct sense - with what you felt.
But as for cats... I don't know if it's Tickld or the seeming omnipotence of Facebook Vines, but cats and entertainment are practically synonymous terms for me XD now. If a stray kitten was dropped off at my door I would not be unhappy. At all. More like I'd run to grab a camera, film cat pranks and start a Vine channel. Am too cruel >.< But it so funneh huehue

Thanks for that, I honestly don't know. I didn't even want help, I don't care for myself or even like myself, I really just wanted to die. But because of people who know me and how selfish I'd have been for doing that to them I got the medication.

I hate that for her, I really do... And no, you're not cruel, cats can be very evil.

You'll find your way along your own path in your own way. But it's never a bad thing for a bit of reflection now and then. You may not care for yourself but the fact that you had the humanity to consider the impact a suicide would have on your familial surroundings just shows that you do have qualities that you should care for, that you should acknowledge yourself for. We care, and we acknowledge. So perk up! :D There are things in life worth living for. Granted, they're bloody hard to find sometimes, but they're there.

Thanks, Ranger. You are right, and I know that, it just doesn't really outweigh the bad things about me. =P

I couldn't care less about the bad things. You're a sound lad who is as chill as any dude, wat moar do we need? ;P

You're actually helping. No one really says anything good about me anymore. I sort of ruined all of that. =P I guess it's good we stopped talking during the time I was screwing things up.

Then it's the people around you with the problem, not you :P I don't know you in person, but the 'it's-over-the-internet' bullcrap is just what it is - bullcrap. Whatever personality one presents online always subliminally stems from themselves no matter how much of a facade it is, so the Castle I know is just the same as the real Castle. And I would actually look forward to have a chill man-date with said Castle for a day in the real world, so you shouldn't worry about anything. Your own perception of 'screwing things up' is always going to be over-exaggerated in some way. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

I'm the same online as off and thank you, but I'm always going to be too harsh on myself.

I guess we all are, to a varying degree. But that's just the way things are. Just remember that there's a difference between being harsh on yourself and despising the core of your existence. Not that I'm inferring that you in any way do the latter. But I've dealt in suicidal-isms myself and we all get close to that precipice at some point or another.

Oh the latter explains my situation exactly, actually. I despise the core of my existence.

Then you need to fill that core in your life with something that is worth existing for. Sport, games, clubbing, music, love etc. For me, I taught myself how to DJ and produce music, with a bit of partying on the side. No matter how shit you feel, there's nothing better than a mad beer-fueled rave to your own beats with epileptic strobe-lights ^_^ Just find it and stick to it. The progress will be remarkable.

I write. I love telling my stories and bringing worlds to life with the power of words, I've just recently gotten a new computer and will be able to throw myself into my work again. ALSO, my girlfriend and I are perfectly happy once again, we found a way to meet in the middle on some things and we're both happy, plus my medication helps a lot. =P

Sounds fantastic. I couldn't be happier for you both. What genres of literature do you dabble in - what is your particular trade?

Fantasy, of course! I'm doing two different stories, one medieval and one futuristic, currently I'm just writing for a few friends who enjoy it.

Awesome! I used to love writing too - fantasy being my genre (either that or philosophical thriller type pieces) - but right now my time is actually spent reading. Immersed in quite a lot of adult fantasy at the moment - have you read the Wheel of Time, Mistborn, or Night Angel series'? If you haven't...You must. Must must must. So good. Wheel of Time is a 13/14 book series, whilst the other two are only 3 books each, so maybe check the shorter ones out - they are definitely worth the read.

I'm currently reading The Last Apprentice series, it's supposedly a children's book series, currently 12/13 in America, 13/13 in England.

It's SO dark and wonderful, I love it.

10/10 would read for days.

Awesome. Looking at the synopsis for the Last Apprentice, it is exactly the kind of story and genre the Night Angel series is.

Assassins, creatures of the dark, magic, guilds and whatnot; the main character - who you see grow from a grimy street rat into the deadliest killer - destined with the world's fate in his hands; a spectacularly tangled web of interweaving plots that span across entire countries and nations with war and betrayal and love and epicness at its heart.

Scale-wise, the amount of land - that includes kingdoms, nations, alliances, sovereigns, empires - spanning the trilogy is gargantuan. The sheer amount of stuff that's condensed into the three books is mindblowing. It is also very dark, and the author holds nothing back in his writing that I have to say amazes me still even after several series rereads.

If you're loving the Last Apprentice, there is no way you won't like Night Angel. So once you finish the series, maybe give NA a shot if you're looking for more dark fantasy material.

The Wiki article on it

An excerpt if you ever feel like reading some

Reviews for the first book : the whole trilogy is one of the most critically acclaimed among its kind

I'll definitely have to look into those books, then. I do hope you read the Last Apprentice series, I need someone to talk to about them!

I'm quite occupied at the moment with the 14-book Wheel of Time series (currently on book 8) so finishing that will take some time. Afterwards, though, I'll be sure to give the Last Apprentice a shot. And yeah, having someone to discuss a particular series of books with is always an awesome thing.

None of my friends are readers, unfortunately. Our generation these days lacks proper appreciation for good books.

So true! The new age entertainment blizzards have cut wide swathes through the current teen demographic, leaving no room for any properly thought-provoking mediums to indulge in...The bittersweet curse of the internet boom, I guess.